Thursday, November 12, 2015


Why do we have such terrible words like BLOG and BUCKET LIST?  Awful.  But since you asked, the last thing on my list to do before I extreme out of here is to make  Eggplant Parmesan that is edible. I’ve been struggling with this for many years, even when I was feeding my kids as a single parent . Every once in a while I would try to make  Eggplant Parmesan   as I wanted my teen age children to appreciate fine cuisine.  I tried many recipes, salting the hell out of them, letting the water drain out, then deep fry them, but it always came out kind of a soggy mess, until one day the kids just went on strike and ordered a Pizza in.  That was in about 1982. However, just the other day, my friend and neighbor Stephen showed me his new book on cooking and behold; there was a recipe for “Perfect Eggplant Parmesan”.  Reading the message written on his wall, I asked for a copy of it as this could be the turning point of my life.  Duly armed, I marched home and bought the proper ingredients (Eggplant) and as soon as I got off work next day I proceeded to chop, salt etc. just like it said. The caveat here is that one does not fry the pieces in hot oil, but accomplishes the same end by cooking them in the oven.  (Maybe this was just a theory?).   However, by the time they were in the oven I came to the end of the instructions as the next page, (87) was missing with the directions of what to do once you got the things out of the oven. Fortunately, Steve was home and delivered the missing missile so I could finish the sauce and put it all together in a final masterpiece.  After whipping up the sauce of tomatoes, garlic and pepper flakes I sat down and finally ate what was supposed to be perfect E.P..  It wasn’t half bad, except I had used too many hot pepper flakes in the sauce which kind of inflamed the whole benign plate.  Well, my kids missed out on the whole experience but I can honestly cross that final hurdle off my list and get on with dying.  But I keep asking myself, who the hell thought that you could eat an eggplant ; and a better question would be;  why?

I do realize  customs do change but one that I have seen recently is beyond the ken.  When I had parties for my children, it would be for about a dozen kids, and the parents would drop them off and have a great day without the brat.  But recently my wife and I seem to be required to attend our six year old grandaughter’s  birthday party.  But this really gets awkward, us old folks, as well as our children, standing around as if watching a group of chimpanzees in a cage having such a lot of fun, but of course it is all documented with camcorders, iphones and aim & shoot cameras.

There is something ironic in the fact that very old governments are necessary in order to have the understanding about changing things like money for instance.  

As everyone seems to have such a hard time losing weight I thought I’d help out here  with a diet
Is sure fire to get you from 200 pounds to 95 pounds in three months. 
First of all, let’s identify the known generalities of fuel  required for the Human Species body/mechanism for survival.
The minimum requirements for survival are the following;  You will generally die if these are not available.
30 days – solid foods  (Knawing on old shoes doesn’t help a whole lot. See Charley Chaplin in Gold Rush)
3 days -  Water (In a pinch, Arabs can drink camel urine.)
3 minutes -   Air (A very few Yogis have been able to extend this to ½ hour?
3 seconds – Impressions (Surprise! According to G.I. Gurdjief)
  I recently read the story of the Whaleboat Essex, that was stove in by a pissed off Whale in the middle of the Pacific Ocean in 1820, Melville was inspired to write his best seller after talking to one of the few survivors of the incident.  “Did you know Owin Coffin, sir?” “Know him! I et him.”
  But the big news was how 5 out of the crew of 14 survived in a couple of flimsy boats for about three months with virtually no supplies when leaving the sunken boat.  Their Odyssey was interrupted by a small Island but as there was virtually no water there, they had to push on.   Their 3,000 mile journey was longer than the incredible one by Capt. Bligh (Later on) but it was more luck (Karma?) than anything else as they spent most of their time lying on the bottom of the boat, too weak to even sit up.  Although not the first to be in this predicament, there seems to have been some protocal of how to behave in these predicaments.  The gruesome business involved when you know all won’t make it , they will draw lots to see who is for dinner.  This , however, was a major problem for these men from Nantucket, as they were all Quakers who are forbidden to kill or gamble.  Now, granted,  drawing lots to see who will get killed may be less of a gamble than murder. However, by this time, they were so God-damned hungry, it wasn’t much of a transgression and  they easily overlooked that miner problem.  But wait, once you’ve decided who will die, you have to draw lots again (less one, of course) to see who will kill the poor bastard. 
  Unfortunately, we don’t have much of a record left by actual cannibals, although plentiful in the Caribbean when  that dirty rotten scoundrel  (It’s his fault all the Amerindians died) Columbus arrived on the scene. But reports were that eating a well cooked human is really a savory dish. But eating your fellow man who has died from starvation is another matter.  First of all, there is virtually no fat on the muscle . That is why starvers get into the bones to suck the marrow as it is mostly fat and necessary  in order to digest the muscle.  
  The closest I’ve  come to eating a friend is when we had to murder our longtime friend, Tom,  a huge turkey with a magnificient fan-tail. Tom had gotten so big he had broken a leg and that gave us an excuse to eat him.  This was no ‘Lifeboat’ situation, but he was really tasty! 
  An interesting side note to this is during WW2, the Quakers set up an experiment about starving when they had the sense  to realize that all the Death Camps would be freed when the Allies prevailed over those dirty Germans . They set up an experiment with a few volunteers (Would you volunteer for this?) and starved them, then figured out how to re-introduce food to them.  That could have been me , as I grew up during the Great Depression , I still eat like it’s the last meal I’ll ever get. (Lamont! Chew your food, slow down!!)

   Two cannibals eating a clown;  “ Does he taste funny to you?”

Have you ever wondered about the weird shape of a football?  It’s the perfect form to throw an accurate pass, it is entirely unpredictable when it bounces, etc.  Well, it seems the first one  in 1869 was an actual pig’s bladder, why anyone chose that is lost to history, but  it has evolved slightly and now the Scots get to eat all the bladders, maybe.  While we’re on sports, how come all the players, (Base, Basket & foot ball are letting their facial hair grow?  It won’t be long before a president could sport a mustache or even a full beard?